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Nobody knows the trouble I've seen etc etc

K I get it.

In some people's eyes, I'll be nothing but a constant disappointment. And I get that...I have earned some people's judgment due to past indiscretions...but I'd like to think I've vastly improved upon myself in the 34 years I've been on this earth, and that some credit should be given to me...yes, I may not do things as fast as people want, but I'm trying my damn best.

I never do enough to please everyone. This month I paid back everyone we had borrowed money from or owed money too *our landlord* and gave 2 incriments of money towards my mother, vowing to give her more in a week's time for our portion of the household bill towards tv/internet.

But I caught the end of her displeasure...and although I do feel badly, for her having to deal with her significant other's nervousness about the matter puts a lot onto her, and I can understand that yes, bills need to be paid...thing is...the money situation is ALWAYS tight this time of year when christmas and the kids birthdays are so close in unison, this is nothing new...and to try and please everyone and be true to our word to pay back everyone a.s.a.p as well as afford food and all the birthday goodies for 3 kids is really getting to me. We're STILL behind on rent but have been giving payments which he is thankful for, and I very much appreciate his leniency towards this matter.

Jay pratically forced me to go and treat myself the other day, I stubbornly refused over and over again, saying that the money could go to many more things...but he persisted cause he knows I'm going through a lot...and although I do ADORE my haircut/colour, now I'm left feeling badly/guilty for caving in and can't really enjoy it as much as I would like to :/ Maybe this is the lesson...don't lavish upon yourself until all yer shit is together, no matter how you may need a vitality/confidence boost. Guess I had this coming.

Jay's going to school soon so hopefully through his newfound skills regarding maintenance, that we will be able to move and be assistant supers of a building...it will allow us to save up money like crazy since we won't have to pay rent, plus I will learn alongside him so I can undertake some of the tasks that he will not be able to attend to so easily. We will have a better handle on finances, and a place of our own. Living here so long....eh, it gets too you...too many ghosts from the past still linger, I want a new fresh start...it's just taking longer than I would like :c

See? We're making steps...being true to our word...trying to get the ball rolling...but nothing is more disheartening to see that even though you make progress, due to it not being to the level that some expect...you can see them give up on you :/

Drip drip drip pat pat pat

No that is not the sound of my runny nose, although now that you mention it... o.o;

Instead I am referring to the rain that is upon us in good ol/ bad ol' scarborough. Figures the day we clean the carpets is the day it decides to fuckin' rain.

Eh...if anything, mother nature and I are on the same page...we're both feeling down...and...moist? No no, scratch that last part, heh.

Although I've got some jobs that looks somewhat promising, and my fella seems to have found work, it seems like I'm just stuck in this heavy sticky muck I call depression.

Soon I will lose my power to make people believe I'm doing alright...then all hell will break loose, cause no one knows how to deal with me when I'm like that.

And now...I go and do more errands...cause that's what I do.
Yep...tried to do the whole blogger thing....but eh, I think I will always have a fond spot for virtual_geisha...I have shared a lot on here and much of it in depth and honest, where I cannot really do on my other account due to various reasons that would bore the pure fuck outta ya.

I have been dealing with on again/off again blues....it comes and goes. Don't really get any private time, always surrounded by children and never ending chores....yes yes, there is much more shit that I could be going through...I should count my blessings and what not, but I can't shrug off my on again/off again depression like I once could, now I really have to actively think to myself "I won't go under" and fight tooth and nail so that I won't get overly depressed.

Plus, I feel guilty for even FEELING depressed...yep, I'm special.

There will be an updated private post about the inner thoughts I've been harboring but for now, there's a coffee with my name on it.

I have moved! ^0^

So feel free to follow me, k? ^__^

http://randomstylings.blogspot.com/

It's been a slice ;D Now on to different things :B

Adios! :3

*waves* :D

I'm over here now: http://randomstylings.blogspot.com/

And that is all.

Restless.

That's usually what happens when you're sick.

My mind is awake, urging me to get off my ass and do things that need to be done, but my body just isn't having it.

I started off the new year so strongly...exercising every day, staying true to my diet, getting what I needed to get done out of the way...

But now, I'm too busy hacking and sniffling and throwing up to give a rats ass about exercise, and thanks to not being able to hold anything down, I'm still doing well with the diet...but this is NOT how I wanted to lose weight! D:

Thankfully I have a very sweet bf who doesn't mind doting on me, but he's sicker than I am, so I have to remind him that he needs his rest more than I do...but we're both stubborn, so we argue over who needs the rest more lol

So lately I've just been drawing and tendin' to my girlies as per usual. It's nice to be able to sketch again...found out I'm not as rusty as I thought I was, which is reassuring. It's rather sad tho, that I only find time to draw when I'm ill lol

Ah I'm rambling...I hope you're all enjoying the new year <3

Bleh.

I despise cleaning house.

And that is all.

NEW FOUND ENERGYYYYYY / MERRY HO HO ^0^

*ahem*

:D

I have been feeling very energized as of late :D I've been on a healthier eating plan *cut out sugar/salt/dairy/fruit/* and I've taken a renewed interest in my wii fit :3

I even dusted off my ol' Tae Bo videos O__O :O

And it seems like my family is confused as to my new found excitement in eating right/exercising...because apparently, my hard work is showing off rather nicely, which is ALWAYS awesome ^__~

Jay is supportive, letting me know that he was more than content with how I am now *d'awww :'D* and my girls are trying their best to control how many cookies/candies/helpings they get...but my mom seems worried..I guess she fears me going overboard...but all I'm doing is eating really healthy, not eating as much, and getting half an hour to an hour of exercise each day...ah mothers, they just can't help themselves can they ;3 hehe

I guess I just feel rejuvenated/determined more than I did before...I want to knock 'em dead in 2011 ;3

And with this diet change and weight loss *5 pounds so far, woot!* I hae an ABUNDANCE of energy...to the point where I almost can't sit still >.< I constantly have to be doing SOMETHING otherwise I start getting fidgety :o I need to find a way to put all this energy to good use, although right now one of my outlets is making my house all christmasy n____n

Now I usually don't have a kind outlook towards christmas...but my 'bah humbug' view is slowly disappearing and I find myself humming merrily for no real reason XD

I'm thankful for this new found cheeriness I possess, for it was emotionally draining to feel so blue/down in the dumps, but it was understandable considering dealing with the passing of so many loved ones so close together...I thought for awhile I'd never truly grin out of a moment of happiness :/

So now that I have found my inner glee moment, I'm holding onto it for as long as I can! *squeeeezes* X3

I hope that all of my friends fine happiness during the holidays, and they are filled with warmth and love and cheer :'D <3

Hmmm.

It's really hard to get rid of a grudge you have against someone...

But I suppose it depends on what TYPE of grudge you hold against someone...what they did to DESERVE the grudge, I suppose.

But what do grudges do really? There is usually never anything good that comes from holding a grudge on someone. Harbouring resentment towards someone who you feel has done you wrong...well, it's the usual human response to an injustice, but all it does is leaves you feeling bitter.

And although I'm aware that resenting someone isn't productive...I've done it too.

And I hate that I can't let go. Correction: WON'T let go.

Why do I keep in the resentment? Why can't I, or anyone for that matter, just learn to let go? I guess we feel that due to whatever/whomever slighted us, that we are justified in hating them...that they DESERVE our hatred.

I've been told that I am justified in my hatred...but that just makes me wonder...what about someone who has a grudge towards me for whatever reason? Are THEY justified to hate upon me? Do I deserve it? How do we deem who DESERVES hatred?

Gawd my mind has just been all over the place these days...random thoughts pop up and derail me from what I WANTED to think about.

I guess I tire of being resentful...I hate how it feels within me...the rage that can flare up at any given moment if I think about certain things.

I guess I don't want to give anyone control over my thoughts like that.

WE all have a choice...but why must decision making be so fucking difficult? DX

I'm an unintentional heartbreaker.

Yep.

Now, there are women who enjoy that sort of thing...who get power/satisfaction from seeing other people hurt by their actions/decisions.

I am not one of those kind of girls. I get no gratification from hurting anyone. I don't feel powerful or strong by attacking people...but yet, I manage to hurt people's feelings anyway.

I have people who have thought it was necessary to insult me due to the difficult decisions I have made in the past...they do not care about how HARD the decision was, or that I still feel badly for the impact my decision(s)...that doesn't matter to them. In their eyes, I'm just a heartless monster for doing what I needed to do in order to be happy.

I have learned long ago that I cannot go about my life trying to please every single person. And people who know me, should KNOW that I derive no pleasure from someone else's pain...but I guess to some, I will forever be known as a bitch.

So be it. But I tire of being blamed for someone else's inability to move on with their life. Yes, having to let someone go is not an easy task, and I understand that...but not too many others realize that...they don't care that I still feel badly for hurting people's feelings, and that it was not my intention TO hurt anyone...but I guess the path to hell is paved with good intentions, and no matter what I say or do from this point on, they get their satisfaction from blaming me.

So haters are going to hate, but now...now let them hate all they want, for I am only being hated for having the courage to let it be known that I needed more and took action.