Low and behold, I come across a gem like this one.

Music will be, now and always, my source of comfort when I feel no one understands me or CARES to understand me...I have found that most people are rather self centered, even I myself have had moments of being obsessed about what's going on in my life and being indifferent to others problems, as much as I dislike stating it.

But then again, I don't have these moments often....can't say that for the lion's share. So I figure...as long as they are only moments that are few and far between, that seems fair...but if I were to completely be unaffected by other's pain...that's when I hope someone beats some sense into me.

My cousin is in a coma...and...I feel overwhelmed by all the emotion...like...I can feel my family...pulling at me silently from far away...their yearning for comfort/reassurance is almost too much for me to bear.

Hence me needing a day of calmness.

And wine, which I will be consuming vast amounts of this evening. It's been awhile, and god/goddess/w/e knows I'm in good need of being numb/silly :P

I hope that you're all managing through the bs that we all endure with a smile and a cheery disposition...and if not, I hope you have a big gun and plenty of amo >;3

Adios, time for me to embrace my duties once more <3

And I can hardly wait! eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee *flails arms & squeals happily*

Y'know, I don't think that I'll ever stop being a kid at heart. And I'm so thankful that I have two wonderful children who not only keep me grounded but they make me appreciate all the little things in my life, all the silly random moments that most choose to ignore or view as an irritation.

I have my girls to thank for keeping me young. I remember when I once thought that I wouldn't enjoy parenting, that it would just be draining, and that I was too selfish to be a mother....heh...how times change hmmm? Now I couldn't imagine NOT having them around...sure, tending to two little beings' every need and *almost* every whim, it can be quite exhausting at times, not to mention how much effort I put towards ensuring they grow up grounded/happy/secure/confident...well that is no easy task...but I wouldn't have it any other way, oh how I cherish my little pixies. <3 Who thought being an adult could be enjoyable eh? hehe <3 ^______^

But I digress. :P

Halloween is the one time where things that normally 'matter'...don't ;o...no one worries about what other people think of them, everyone is all smiles, and the 'horror's that you see...really aren't that scary. Dealing with everyday bullshit whilst trying to remain sane...now THAT's truly terrifying...seeing flying bats and ghosts really doesn't affect me...real life is scarier than halloween could ever be hehe.

Sometimes...sometimes I wish that every day was like halloween...that we could all dress up and enjoy the night together. How fucking awesome would that be eh, never mind the OOOOOOOOOOODLES of candy that you'd acquire every day if halloween never ended, ooooh chyeah ;)

I hope with everything in me that I never loose that last sliver of innocent/childhood joy that I have...that I will continue to enjoy the little things...that I will still find glee in silly things instead of taking things for granted.

And if anyone notices that I'm losing touch with my inner spark/inner child...please beat me until I come back to my senses, you'll be doing me a favour.

Hmm...I wonder what I'll be this year...any suggestions? And no, I don't try and get candy for myself, the kids can have the sweets, that's their right...as for me, I'm quite content to enjoy the night in it's randomness with no regrets ;)

And although halloween is not quite here yet, I hope that you all find your own way to enjoy this holiday, and that the weekend treats you well, much love you groovy people you <3 ^^

I'm currently in debilitating pain and silently dealing with it.

Nothing new, I know.

But still, it fucking sucks.

AGAIN..nothing new, etc etc.

And being hormonal on top of the physical pain just irritates me further. Fucking hormonal shit...one of the things that I DESPISE about being female...because when I'm like this, my fuse is short, my mind is racing, and my guard is down so I feel EVERYTHING and cannot keep my ladylike composure as I would normally.

But perhaps...that's a good thing? Who knows. I DO know, however, that when I say the harsh things that I normally would keep to myself due to my current inability to keep it inwards, I am often confronted with people who seem...attracted to my outward aggressiveness.

O____O;

So to them, I say...enjoy? :D lol

And no, I'm not having an emo moment. Just stating the facts of what I'm dealing with. I guess I should be a little more animated with my deliverance of said info O 3o...JEEBUS, that previous bit I left there sound about as entertaining as a bowl of cold porridge now that I've re-read what I've written O 3o

Well then, this simply will not do! >;O *shakes fist* So here's take 2! ;)

"OW OW FUCKING OWWW!! YOU SHALL PAIN ME NO MORE, YOU ANNOYING INNER ORGAN! O ho ho ho ho ho ^0^ >;O *smites uterus* Oh what's this?? Emotions getting in the way eh? That is to laugh...and cry...and scream at...:O >;O I SHALL DEFEAT JOO, STUPID EMOTIONS, YOU SHALL CONTROL ME NO LONGER!! *emits a shrill cry and battles her emotions* aaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnddddd I'm spent *K.O.* X_____X ~~~c'est fini."

There...that's better :P hehe.

As for my plans these days...was supposed to attend a birthday party of a friend of mine, but that simply won't go as I originally planned, no time to have a night out...ah well *shrugs*. I'll have to send a birthday greeting and hope that will be enough to appease her.

Preparing for when my bf comes on the 21st....it should be rather nice...I've been needing someone to lavish gentle affection upon me, perhaps that will be what it takes to bring me out of my fully rooted depression, but...logically, I will not impose the job of uprooting me from silent melancholy upon anyone, for I know that only I have that power, blah blah, yakety schmakety. Basically..I'm looking forward to him coming, as are my girls, and I'm going to embrace the fact that for 2 weeks, I shall be happy...and I shall not concentrate a lot of thought onto the fact that after 2 weeks, I shall be alone for another duration of time once more. Gotta focus on the positive, but of course ;3.

I'm thankful that I've had the chance to spend time with a few friends of mine via phone and otherwise...it's really nice to touch base with people, oh...how I've missed it </3. It's always nice to know that people actually value spending time with me...these days I've been feeling rather vulnerable and it's nice to have that reassurance ^^ <3. Ah, time to end my banter for the moment and tend to the makings of dinner :O Homemade turkey soup and dumplings, yum yum...let the turkey induced coma, commence! :D lol XP To all of you, I wish you good tidings and hope you're enjoying yourself this evening in whatever way you choose to <3.

I am TOTALLY loving this song. "Hey Hey" by Superchicks..it's an awesome song and I recommend you find the energy to click the play button and listen...YOU CAN DO EET, I HAVE FAITH IN YOUR CLICKING/PLAYING ABILITIES! *cheers for chu* ^0^* hehe ;P

I dedicate this to anyone and everyone who felt like they didn't fit in and to anyone who enjoys their own brand of insanity.

Stay true to who you are, even if people try and persuade you to conform ;D

"I won't bow down even if the whole world thinks I'm crazy..." :P

I've been surrounded by death lately.

And so, it is making me aware of my own mortality. Don't have a lot of time on this earth...so I have to make the most of my time while I still can.

It's also making my tolerance for bullshit less and less, due to having no guard up anymore...it's been whittled down to nothing.

But instead of being resentful towards any/all bullshit that comes my way or stewing silently over how my view on things is becoming corrupted *or hey, maybe I'm just becoming enlightened*, I'm choosing to embrace my inner bitch more and more these days.

Tired of feeling that if I decide to have a moment of selfishness, that I am a horrible person.

Tired of people's constant demands upon me. It's like...fuck! I hardly have enough of my OWN time to do things I enjoy, I'm always politely *or otherwise* being told to do something for someone, can't I ENJOY some peace and quiet without someone feeling the need to tell me that I should be doing this or that or the other?

I am tired of guilt trips, of insults, passive aggressive bullshit.

I fear the level of wrath that I will hand down towards the next person who decides that they are the master of my domain.

FUCK

THAT

NOISE.

This is song is quite accurate about city life, even if the song is just pertaining to London. I actually like the video that goes with this...where Lily Allen is walking, and due to her cheery disposition, the world seems full of cheerful things, but soon you see the difference from how she sees the world to what it TRULY is...the video is here *couldn't post it otherwise I would, but nuuUUUUUuuu, "video disabled by request" bullshit strikes again! Meh w/e...anyway, here's the vid link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wmYT79tPvLg

My fave part? "Sun is in the sky, oh why oh why would I want to be anywhere else? Sun is in the sky, oh why oh why would I want to be anywhere else? When you look with your eyes...everything seems nice, but if you look twice you can see it's all lies!...life, yeah that city life, yeah that city life, yeah that city life"

Why do I like it? Eh...she (Lily) just emphasizes a point that I have about making the best of what you have, situation wise, material wise, whatever it is that you're having to deal with. Yes, the world is fucking harsh, there's negativity around you at every turn these days it seems...but in order to be happy, you HAVE to have a cheery disposition regarding the world, otherwise you just get sucked into such a negative way of thinking.

I mean, we all know it pretty much sucks. War, abuse on many levels, ignorance, cruelty, environmental factors...so since that's a given already, why dwell on what we already know? Why not make the best of it either by change or by acceptance instead of whining about the obvious? *Change for people who have the fortitude to make changes and follow through with carrying them out for the greater good of man, acceptance for those who do not have the patience and/or courage and/or time to make said changes for the betterment of everyone...not everyone is a leader, and sometimes all you can do is accept something for what it is*

I choose to accept the fact that although it's a dreary day outside, and my ass is fucking KILLING me *bruised tailbone...FML (fuckmylife for those of you unfamiliar with the abbreviation* I can STILL enjoy my day...somehow :3 Haven't found the way HOW to enjoy myself as of yet, but I'm working on it! :D lol

Hope you're all fairing well with your daily activities/responsibilities and such ;)

We all have a weakness
But some of ours are easy to identify.
Look me in the eye and ask for forgiveness;
We'll make a pact to never speak that word again
Yes you are my friend.

We all have something that digs at us,
At least we dig each other XOXO
So when weakness turns my ego up
I know you'll count on the me from yesterday

If I turn into another
Dig me up from under what is covering
The better part of me
Sing this song
Remind me that we'll always have each other
When everything else is gone.

We all have a sickness
That cleverly attaches and multiplies
No matter how we try. =/

We all have someone that digs at us,
At least we dig each other ^___^
So when sickness turns my ego up
I know you'll act as a clever medicine.

If I turn into another
Dig me up from under what is covering
The better part of me.
Sing this song!
Remind me that we'll always have each other
When everything else is gone.

Oh each other....
When everything else is gone.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, ohh
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, ohhhh

If I turn into another
Dig me up from under what is covering
The better part of me.
Sing this song! ^0^
Remind me that we'll always have each other
When everything else is gone.

Oh each other....
When everything else is gone.
Oh each other....
When everything else is gone.

~<3

A post and run, hurrah! @__@;

Have a good one folks. :3

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence...As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit..
If you compare yourself with others, you may become bitter or vain, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career; however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time...Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is: many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism...Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass...Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness...Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

~Max Ehrmann

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Well...it's me in a nut shell EXCEPT for that bit about avoiding loud and aggressive persons. o.o

Aggressive persons? Sure, but loud? Why would I want to avoid them? Loud people are fun! :D lol ;)

I have this on a little plaque on my wall. I read it from time to time...it's a great pick me up, well..for me anyway ^__^;

Just thought I would share :3

The night is deafening when the silence is listening
And I'm down on my knees, and I know that something is missing.
Because the back of my mind is holding things I'm relying in
But I choose to ignore it because I'm always denying them

I'm a bit of a manic when it's not as I plan it
Cause I start losing my head and then I get up in a panic
Remember when we were kids and always knew when to quit it
Are we denying a crisis or are we scared of admitting it?

I don't want to know

I just want to run to you
And break off the chains, and throw them away
I just want to be so much
And shake off the dust that turned me to rust
Sooner than later, I'll need a savior, I'll need a saviour

It won't ever change if you want it to stay the same
I really hate it but I know it's hard to choose if you're chained
And when it's all you control cause you've got nothing else to hold
You're getting tighter and tighter, it's getting harder to let it go

I don't want to know

I just want to run to you
And break off the chains, and throw them away
I just want to be so much
And shake off the dust that turned me to rust
Sooner than later, I'll need a saviour
I'll need a saviour

Stand me up and maybe I won't be so small
Free my hands and feet and maybe I won't always fall...
save me

I just want to run to you
And break off the chains, and throw them away
I just want to be so much
And shake off the dust that turned me to rust
I just want to run to you
and break off the chains and throw them away
I just want to be so much
and shake off the dust that turned me to rust
Sooner than later, I'll need a saviour
I'll need a saviour
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It seems the brighter I glow, the more people want to extinguish my spark....why is that? o.o

If I held out my hand to you, so that we could glow together and brighten the world with the love we have in our hearts, would you take it? Or would you push my hand away and wallow in the dark?

*extends hand* Come with me...and let's face the harshness with light in our hearts <3

I am the one and only... ;)

Call me, call me by my name or call me by my number, you put me through it! I'll still be doing it the way I do it :P XD

And yet... you try to make me forget...who I really am, don't tell me, I know best, I'm not the same as all the rest! :P

I am the one and only! ^0^ <3
Nobody I'd rather be!
I am the one and only! :D
You can't take that away from me! ;D


I've been a player in the crowd scene..a flicker on the big screen...my soul embraces, one more in a million faces...

High hopes and aspirations, ideas above my station...

maybe...

but all this time I've tried, to walk with dignity and pride! :3 :D


I am the only and only! ^0^ <3333
Nobody I'd rather be! n_____n
I am the one and only!
You can't take that away from me! :P


I can't wear this uniform without some compromises...

Because you'll find out that we come in different shapes and sizes ;)

No one can be myself like I can :O

For this job I'm the best (wo)man 8)

And while this may be true, you are the one and only you! :D


I AM THE ONE AND ONLY!
NOBODY I'D RATHER BE!
I AM THE ONE AND ONLY!
YOU CAN'T TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME! :D :D :D

I AM THE ONE AND ONLY!!
NOBODY I'D RATHER BE!!
I AM THE ONE AND ONLY!!
YOU CAN'T TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME :P


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm so tired of being the one who's understanding! :D

And I'm tired of being harshly treated by people who supposedly love me! :D

So I'm not going to take it anymore! :D :D :D

Even if I have to force a grin in order to change my sad disposition, I'll wear the smile until it's a genuine one! :D

Booyah ;)

Must not smoke a ciggie.

Must not smoke a ciggie.

Must not smoke a ciggie.


*cracks neck*


Must not feel sorry for myself.

Must not feel sorry for myself.

Must not feel sorry for myself.


*takes a deep breath and slowly exhales through her nostrils*


Gotta suck it up and deal.

Gotta suck it up and deal.

Gotta suck it up and deal.


...


Have to keep on doing more to show my love.

Have to keep on doing more to show my love.

Have to keep on doing more to show my love.


*blinks eyes rapidly*


Need to be a better friend/be more useful.

Need to be a better friend/be more useful.

Need to be a better friend/be more useful.


*bites her lip*


Must not allow my mind to be flooded with negative images.

Must not allow my mind to be flooded with negative images.

Must not allow my mind to be flooded with negative images.


FOCUS tessa. FOCUS. BE POSITIVE....don't let the darkness back in!

How in the hell...

Am I supposed to do...

What I need to do...

When I'm CONSTANTLY being called upon...

To stop what I'm doing...

IN ORDER TO DO THINGS TO HELP SOMEONE ELSE?! >;O

Am I the only one who sees that this is not logical?

It's counter fucking productive, THAT'S what it is. Oh, and it's pure bullocks. I'd like to see what would happen if I decided to interrupt people while they're trying to do something JUST so they could do something for me. Betcha they wouldn't like that...they wouldn't like that one damn bit.

I need like...1 week to myself. No kids, no parents, no intrusive people trying to demand things from me...JUST...just so I can do what I need to do...clear my mind, lighten up my heart/soul, and tend to the tasks that I have had to put to the side while I'm constantly being interrupted to do this and that and this and that and THIS AND THAT...for other people.

But for some reason people seem to think that because I have been given the gift/curse of gab, that I don't want to be alone. That because I'm a social butterfly, that I should want to be around people all the time.

Ummmmmm no. Everyone needs their damn space, even someone as social as myself. I'm OWED a fucking day to myself at LEAST, dammit! The fact that I have been able to get online this much in succession is a bloody well miracle. So...instead of wondering how long this will last, I just enjoy the moment and take it for what it is, instead of worrying that I could go from being on here more often to just disappear once more. I have enough worry as is, don't to add to add to it. My days of being a webmistress are long gone.

I love the people in my life, never assume otherwise, but sometimes I hate them as well for not seeing that I need some space. I find that people are so blessed nosy these days...on a relevant side note, I'll never understand this whole...twittering bullshit. Why in the HELL would you want to update people with what you're doing every minute of every day? And why would you feel people would WANT to know that useless shit? Is it so that people won't ask you stupid questions such as "How was your day? What did you eat? What are you thinking right this very moment???" because they can just find out for themselves? Meh I'd rather have a conversation so that people could ask me instead of constantly stopping and going, posting stuff about my whereabouts/what I'm doing at every given moment of the day. Eh...I just don't get the fascination with tweeting *as they call it*, but that's my two cents on the matter...I guess people like to be informative/be informed about what everyone is doing all through the day, who knows...but I know I'm never going to jump on that bandwagon, heh *after re-reading this paragraph, I realize just how cynical I appear to be. Eh...it's been a long time coming. Continuing on...*

Y'know...out of everyone I know...do you know the only two people who understand that I need me time every now and then? My two girls. And they're the ones that I'd rather spend my time with. Granted I need a break from them just like they need a break from me every now and then...but they're such lovely beings to be with, I enjoy the warmth/love emanating from them...they always manage to make me smile even when I'm feeling down in the dumps. Bless their sweet little hearts, they put up with their silly/sassy mother oh so well lol.

Eh I need a coffee, I feel sluggish this morning. Supposed to be going to meet a friend later on, which will be nice since A) It's been a couple of months since he's been down in this area & B) I get to tease him *he is starting to learn about the joys of parenthood...he's got a baby and a toddler and apparently he gets no rest/time for himself...kekekeke...the only reason I have such evil delight is that he never could understand why I was so stressed out when my girlies were just toddlertots...but now he knows...oh ho ho ho ho >:D* and C) I've missed him quite a bit, he's an intelligent fellow and a bit on the eccentric side and he's always interesting to talk to :3

So with that being said, I need to go doll myself up like I do every day, put the kettle on the stove and get ready to start my day.

Have a good one ladies and gents, much love sent your way from me to you <3

*edit* He was a no show, which was a bit of a piss off considering he was gonna give me something to help me with my pain...no phone call, nothing explaining why he couldn't come. I TOTALLY understand being busy...but c'mon, a quick call saying "Sorry, can't make it, rain cheque?" Pfft. I'm starting to think I'm the only one with manners/consideration these days. = 3=;

That's not an overly guttural growl...more like a mumbling/muttering type.

Hearing someone being a hypocrite is never pleasant. What makes it worse, is that if I were to address it, it would only cause havoc upon MYSELF *keep in mind I overheard it, I was not in the conversation*

So...

Do I voice the hypocrisy?

Or for my own sanity, do I keep my mouth shut like I have been doing?

I'm thinking the latter. I'm putting SO much of my positivity towards my girls and making them feel happy/secure, that I'm not going throw that all way by causing a disruption JUST to prove that I'm right. Ah the things I do out of love...not just for the girls, but for everyone else. As I have managed to pull myself out of my quiet protest about my daily dealings and doing my best to reconnect with my loved ones as best as I can, some of them have been upset at me to some degree about keeping things to myself...what they don't realize is that although they're curious about my daily adventures, I've been doing them a favour in the long run by dealing with my own shit instead of bitching/whining about how unfair things are. Firstly, I KNOW that life is unfair, no sense in feeling sorry for myself. Secondly, no one likes a whiner, and thirdly...I have been taught that when I DO open up, I'd be met with having someone say "I don't know what to say"...well then, what was the fucking point, amirite? Exaaaaaaaactly.

And as much as I'd like to say it like it is, it will get me no where. Besides...I fucking KNOW I'm damn well right, I don't need it to be validated. >;O Oh my...that's the most 'rawr' I've been in awhile...goodness...when I shut myself down, I guess I was unaware to what depth I have managed to do so.

Meh. This whole adult/stoic bullshit is pure BAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWLLLLLLLLLLLLLS gawdDAMMit!. I kinda miss being able to whine/protest...but I'm QUITE aware that to do so is unproductive and due to my current circumstances, it would be unwise to add fuel to the fire (by opening my piehole and saying my piece) that has gone from being ablaze to the point of it being the equivalent of glowing embers.

If it hadn't been for Martin and a few stubborn friends a long the way who refused to let me fade completely, I'd be a hot mess. But...I don't mind crumbling inside from time to time, for on the outside, my family believes that all is well, and that's exactly what I want them to think. I refuse to allow my on again/off again depression that I've been battling for years...prevent me from raising my children and surrounding them with love and light. They will never have to endure the hardships I have faced, I fucking vow it.

I really do need a night away. I haven't had a fun time in ages. A couple of glasses of wine would be fanfuckingtastic. Oh, still haven't picked up my smoking habit even though there are times when I WANT ONE SO BAD OMFG &%)(%(*%@&*(@&*(@#&(!^%@...but having the girls outright tell me how happy they are that I quit and how badly they wish their father and step mother would....well, that seals the deal, there's no going back this time, even if going without smokes is making me edgy at times.

Anway, I'm off to tend to every day duties. Take care everyone, especially to 2kidsdad who has helped me more than I may have let on. I can feel your compassion through your words....and I appreciate you being so kind/caring to me, you're a good friend and I hope one day I can be a better friend to you *huggles tight*

And oh, how I've missed you dear Menace... </3 I hope to talk to you soon :3

Feeling the warm tears fall slowly down my cheeks...somehow...feels theraputic...but it still stings inwardly...a video that hits too close to home.

You can be surrounded by people...but still feel alone in your head.

Oh Beyonce, why do strum my pain with your fingers...sing my life with your words...</3

You will always have my utmost respect..you do what most of us do not have the ability/conviction/determination to do.

Although there may be people who are against what you do....there are those of us who do not cast stones upon you, but worship you from afar...never forget that <3

Yet another prime example of how there is always a song out there that reflects *to a certain extent* how I feel/see things.

This is the closest one by far, although I'm not a DAD...but you get the idea :P


Im just so fucking depressed
I just cant seem to get out this slump
If i could just get over this hump
But i need something to pull me out this dump
I took my bruises took my lumps
Fell down and i got right back up
But i need that spark to get psyched back up
And in order for me to pick the mic back up
I dont know how or why or when
I ended up this position im in
Im started to feel dissin again
So i decided just to pick this pen
Up and try to make an attempt to vent
But i just cant admit
Or come to grips the fact that i may be done with rap
I need a new outlet
And i know some shits so hard to swallow
But i cant just sit back and wallow
In my own sorrow but i know one fact
Ill be one tough act to follow
One tough act to follow
Ill be one tough act to follow
Here today gone tomorrow but you'd have to walk a thousand miles

Chorus

In my shoes, just to see
What its like, to be me
Ill be you, lets trade shoes
Just to see what id be like
To feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside eachothers minds
Just to see what we'd find
Look at shit through eachothers eyes
Don't let them say you aint beautiful
They can all get fucked just stay true to you
Dont matter saying you aint beautiful
They can all get fucked just stay true to you

(Eminem)
I think im starting to lose my sense of humor
Everythings so tense and gloom
I almost fee like i gotta check the temperature of the room just as soon as i walk in
Its like all eyes on me i try to avoid any contact
Cuz if i do that then it opens the door for conversation like i want that
im not looking for extra attention i just want to be just like you
Blend in with the rest of the room maybe just point me to the closest restroom
I dont need no fucking man servant tryin ta follow me around and try to wipe my ass
Laugh at every single joke i crack and half of them aint even funny like Hahhhhh
"Marshall your so funny man you should be a comedian god damn"
Unfortunately i am i just hide behind the tears of a clown
So why dont you all sit downn
Listen to the tale that im about to tell
Hell we dont gotta trade our shoes
And you dont gotta walk no thousand miles

Chorus

In my shoes, just to see
What its like, to be me
Ill be you, lets trade shoes
Just to see what id be like
To feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside eachothers minds
Just to see what we'd find
Look at shit through eachothers eyes
Don't let them say you aint beautiful
They can all get fucked just stay true to you
Dont matter saying you aint beautiful
They can all get fucked just stay true to youuuuu

(Eminem)
Nobody asked for life to deal us with these bullshit hands we're dealt
We gotta take these cards ourselves and flip em dont expect no help
Now i could have either just stayed at home sit on my ass and pissed and moaned
Or take this situation with which im placed in and get up and kick my own
I was never the type of kid to wait by the door and pack his bags
And sat on the porch and hope and prayed for a dad to show up who never did
I just wanted to fit in in every single place every school i went
I dreamed of being that cool kid even if it meant acting stupid
And edna always told me keep making that face and it'll get stuck like that
Meanwhile im just standing there holding my tongue trynwa twalk like dwis
Then i stuck my tongue on that frozen stop sign pole at 8 years old
I learned my lesson then cuz i wasn't trying to impress my friends no more
But i already told you my whole life story
Not just based on my description
Cuz where you see it from where your sittin its probably 110% different
I guess we would have to walk a mile in eachothers shoes at least
What size you wear? i wear tens
Lets see if you can fit your feet

Chorus

In my shoes, just to see
What its like, to be me
Ill be you, lets trade shoes
Just to see what itd be like
To feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside eachothers minds
Just to see what we'd find
Look at shit through eachothers eyes
It dont matter saying you aint beautiful
They can all get fucked just stay true to you
Don't let them say you aint beautiful
They can all get fucked just stay true to you
So
It dont matter saying you aint beautiful
They can all get fucked just stay true to you
So

(Music outro)

Eminem

Yeah
To my babies
Stay strong
Daddy will be home soon
And to the rest of the world
God gave you shoes to fit you
So put em on and wear them
Be yourself man
Be proud of who you are
And even if it sounds corny
Dont ever let anyone tell you you ain't beautiful

This song...has always proved to be my saving grace...for many a time, it has helped explain people's actions and has snapped me out of sinking into a rut, mulling my melancholy/frustration about the inconviences that I deal with now and then.

Music has always been my therapy, always will. Thanks to enlightening songs such as this as well as others, the positivity I strive for becomes clearer to me...something tangible...and easier to attain instead of feeling like the things I strive/yearn for are always being out of my grasp.

Positive thinking is the way to go. We always have a choice to make the best of a bad situation or let it get to us...and thankfully I'm a stubborn girl who's love for her family is stronger than the insecurities I quietly harbor to myself...it's easier to ignore that wretched voice in the back of my mind that taunts me, vowing that I will fail or disappoint the ones I hold dear....when I know just how loved I truly am and how wonderful the world can be....as long as you have the courage to view things with rosey coloured glasses, no matter what you see before you ^__^

Yeah, I may be stuck in a moment as of now, but as the saying goes, this time too shall pass.

Were you sent here by me via facebook to view my current entry?

Well that was yesterday, you slowpokes :P jk jk XD. Got paranoid and made that entry friends only, so unless you're a buddy of mine on here and have your own lj account, you're not going to see it :O. I've had too many people take delight in destroying me (or attempting to at least) in the past and that fear caused me to rethink my decision on publicly going into detail about my on again/off again depression....with everything that's been going on, the LAST thing I want to do is give ammunition to heartless people who think that messing around with my life is an enjoyable pastime...and yes, there have been people like that in my life sadly :/. So...If you're still curious about what's going on with me, leave me a comment here and I'll respond, although you may not get the answer you're searching for...dun dun dunnnnnnn.

Anywho, I'm about to do what I detest: cleaning. Yay...... laundry and dishes and steaming carpets, oh mai....the sheer joy of it all. Plus I need to call the doctor yet AGAIN since yesterday it seemed that they were having an over extended lunch break JUST to piss me off, cause every time I'd call, there was the same damn automated message telling me they were 'unavailable'...psshh...well they better BE available today if they know what's good for them! >;O *shakes fist with much vigor* Hmph.

Oh and I have a free night either tomorrow or on Saturday, so I'm hoping I can go out with a friend or two and actually enjoy myself. Sure, being a mom to 2 really well behaved children is a blessing in itself, but sometimes a girlie like myself needs to be reminded that I'm an adult and that there are other things that I can partake in *nods head* so here's hopin' that I manage to find a good place to escape to :3

I'm also thinking about starting that modified atkins diet I was on years ago. Although the people that I hold dear to me, bless their hearts, have informed me that I have a lovely figure as is, I'd like to know what it's like for the tops of my thighs to NOT rub together for a change, and the only way to do so is to lose 15-20 pounds. I don't want to limit myself so harshly like I did before, but I would like to cut out the sugar and pasta and over abundance of bread, but seeing as I've never really recovered my zest for eating food since my break up years ago *eh...some things never go back to what they were* it won't be as daunting of a challenge to give those things up. I find that now that I've quit smoking *almost 3 months smoke free, wewt!* that I have a renewed enthusiasm about being healthy :3 I don't want to lose my curvy stature all together, but it wouldn't hurt to be a little LESS curvy/fluffy/chubby/whatever the hell you want to label it as. I tried doing a diet journal eons ago when I had my own domain *wow...seems like another lifetime ago* but I don't know if I have the time to write a blog about my dieting trials and tribulations...so perhaps I'll just keep you updated every now and then when I can get a free moment to myself....and I'm hoping I manage to find more free time to write, cause man....have I missed writing in this journal of mine *sniffles* </3 Eh, time to stop procrastinating and get to the laundry and such. Have a good day everyone, much love to you and yours <3

Are you there?
Are you watching me?
As I lie here on this floor
They say you feel what I do
They say you're here every moment
Will you stay?
Stay 'till the darkness leaves
Stay here with me
I know you're busy, I know I'm just one
But you might be the only one who sees me
The only one to save me

Why is it so hard?
Why can't you just take me?
I don't have much to go
Before I fade completely

Can you feel how cold I am?
Do you cry as I do?
Are you lonely up there all by yourself?
Like I have felt all my life
The only one to save mine

How are you so strong?
What's it like to feel so free?
Your heart is really something
Your love, a complete mystery to me

Are you there watching me?
As I lie here on this floor
Do you cry, do you cry with me?
Cry with me tonight

Are you there?
Are you watching me?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yeah...I've had better days folks. But the past while...there's been no better days to be found :/ I have what you call....functional depression. You'd never know it by looking at me or listening to me *unless you asked me the right questions and I have a strong bond with you*...I smile through all of it and carry on like most do. What's the sense in feeling sorry for one's self anyway, right?

When I get a moment, I shall embellish further, since I know that many of you feel it is owed to you to be informed as to why I have been away for so long. But realize...talking about what I'm dealing with...hurts, hence my hesitation to discuss it in complete detail. So if you care...continue to do so while I try to find the inner strength/courage to express my thoughts, for even though I have been gone for many a day...I still care about you <3

in <3 with song at the moment : Queen - The Show Must Go On"....it speaks to me.

It's a classic, so listen and enjoy :B