So feel free to follow me, k? ^__^

http://randomstylings.blogspot.com/

It's been a slice ;D Now on to different things :B

Adios! :3

I'm over here now: http://randomstylings.blogspot.com/

And that is all.

That's usually what happens when you're sick.

My mind is awake, urging me to get off my ass and do things that need to be done, but my body just isn't having it.

I started off the new year so strongly...exercising every day, staying true to my diet, getting what I needed to get done out of the way...

But now, I'm too busy hacking and sniffling and throwing up to give a rats ass about exercise, and thanks to not being able to hold anything down, I'm still doing well with the diet...but this is NOT how I wanted to lose weight! D:

Thankfully I have a very sweet bf who doesn't mind doting on me, but he's sicker than I am, so I have to remind him that he needs his rest more than I do...but we're both stubborn, so we argue over who needs the rest more lol

So lately I've just been drawing and tendin' to my girlies as per usual. It's nice to be able to sketch again...found out I'm not as rusty as I thought I was, which is reassuring. It's rather sad tho, that I only find time to draw when I'm ill lol

Ah I'm rambling...I hope you're all enjoying the new year <3

I despise cleaning house.

And that is all.

*ahem*

:D

I have been feeling very energized as of late :D I've been on a healthier eating plan *cut out sugar/salt/dairy/fruit/* and I've taken a renewed interest in my wii fit :3

I even dusted off my ol' Tae Bo videos O__O :O

And it seems like my family is confused as to my new found excitement in eating right/exercising...because apparently, my hard work is showing off rather nicely, which is ALWAYS awesome ^__~

Jay is supportive, letting me know that he was more than content with how I am now *d'awww :'D* and my girls are trying their best to control how many cookies/candies/helpings they get...but my mom seems worried..I guess she fears me going overboard...but all I'm doing is eating really healthy, not eating as much, and getting half an hour to an hour of exercise each day...ah mothers, they just can't help themselves can they ;3 hehe

I guess I just feel rejuvenated/determined more than I did before...I want to knock 'em dead in 2011 ;3

And with this diet change and weight loss *5 pounds so far, woot!* I hae an ABUNDANCE of energy...to the point where I almost can't sit still >.< I constantly have to be doing SOMETHING otherwise I start getting fidgety :o I need to find a way to put all this energy to good use, although right now one of my outlets is making my house all christmasy n____n

Now I usually don't have a kind outlook towards christmas...but my 'bah humbug' view is slowly disappearing and I find myself humming merrily for no real reason XD

I'm thankful for this new found cheeriness I possess, for it was emotionally draining to feel so blue/down in the dumps, but it was understandable considering dealing with the passing of so many loved ones so close together...I thought for awhile I'd never truly grin out of a moment of happiness :/

So now that I have found my inner glee moment, I'm holding onto it for as long as I can! *squeeeezes* X3

I hope that all of my friends fine happiness during the holidays, and they are filled with warmth and love and cheer :'D <3

It's really hard to get rid of a grudge you have against someone...

But I suppose it depends on what TYPE of grudge you hold against someone...what they did to DESERVE the grudge, I suppose.

But what do grudges do really? There is usually never anything good that comes from holding a grudge on someone. Harbouring resentment towards someone who you feel has done you wrong...well, it's the usual human response to an injustice, but all it does is leaves you feeling bitter.

And although I'm aware that resenting someone isn't productive...I've done it too.

And I hate that I can't let go. Correction: WON'T let go.

Why do I keep in the resentment? Why can't I, or anyone for that matter, just learn to let go? I guess we feel that due to whatever/whomever slighted us, that we are justified in hating them...that they DESERVE our hatred.

I've been told that I am justified in my hatred...but that just makes me wonder...what about someone who has a grudge towards me for whatever reason? Are THEY justified to hate upon me? Do I deserve it? How do we deem who DESERVES hatred?

Gawd my mind has just been all over the place these days...random thoughts pop up and derail me from what I WANTED to think about.

I guess I tire of being resentful...I hate how it feels within me...the rage that can flare up at any given moment if I think about certain things.

I guess I don't want to give anyone control over my thoughts like that.

WE all have a choice...but why must decision making be so fucking difficult? DX

Yep.

Now, there are women who enjoy that sort of thing...who get power/satisfaction from seeing other people hurt by their actions/decisions.

I am not one of those kind of girls. I get no gratification from hurting anyone. I don't feel powerful or strong by attacking people...but yet, I manage to hurt people's feelings anyway.

I have people who have thought it was necessary to insult me due to the difficult decisions I have made in the past...they do not care about how HARD the decision was, or that I still feel badly for the impact my decision(s)...that doesn't matter to them. In their eyes, I'm just a heartless monster for doing what I needed to do in order to be happy.

I have learned long ago that I cannot go about my life trying to please every single person. And people who know me, should KNOW that I derive no pleasure from someone else's pain...but I guess to some, I will forever be known as a bitch.

So be it. But I tire of being blamed for someone else's inability to move on with their life. Yes, having to let someone go is not an easy task, and I understand that...but not too many others realize that...they don't care that I still feel badly for hurting people's feelings, and that it was not my intention TO hurt anyone...but I guess the path to hell is paved with good intentions, and no matter what I say or do from this point on, they get their satisfaction from blaming me.

So haters are going to hate, but now...now let them hate all they want, for I am only being hated for having the courage to let it be known that I needed more and took action.

Now now, don't assume by the title that I'm depressed. Right now, I really have nothing to be overly depressed about, other than seeing my friends suffer around me. But nothing is affecting me atm, which is a refreshing change of pace.

Even when I AM depressed, I somehow make it work for me, on one level or another. Functional depression, if you will.

But lately...lately I've been witness to many a friend who is at that unhealthy level of depression...where they want to 'give up'...they've been hurt too often, or feel neglected or frustrated with the unkindness/apathy that surrounds them.

To see my friends suffer...is worse for me than having to deal with my own depression, if that makes sense.

It pains me to see people withdraw completely. To give up on humanity as a whole. To doubt the good in people...to see their loneliness. Trying to break them from their negative mindset is becoming harder to do..and instead of being able to make them see the light, I usually wind up having to deflect every negative comment that they give my way.

In order to overcome depression, you have to find out WHY you're depressed and take an active stance on the matter...BE AGGRESSIVE, BE BE AGGRESSIVE *shakes pom poms*

...but I think there are some people who find their depression comforting in a sense. It's what they know...what they're familiar with, and as much as they may dislike feeling dismal about everything in their life, they fear becoming happy because they feel that once they are happy about something, some shitty ass circumstance will take away their moment and they'll relapse back into depression, so they figure why should they bother trying to find the silver lining on that dark cloud, because they're just going to get rained on anyway.

Just once..JUST once...I'd like to have superpowers. I'd like to be able to comfort those who need it and make them truly believe that there is good in this world and that they need not suffer quietly.

Ah if only :/ And I realize that I am only being hypocritical considering I tend to withdraw when I'm dealing with too much or I cannot deal with anything else in addition to what I'm dealing with atm.

But even in the sad quiet times I have, I just deal with the sadness in a way that I know works for me, then strive to find the positive and focus on that...I am finding that this is a quality that is rare to come by...but I didn't come by it by chance, I FORCED myself not to dwell...and, well, we all relapse, but as long as I eventually get my ass back up on the saddle, that I am capable of finding the happiness I had before.

Maybe I should become a cheerleader for the depressed masses ;)

You can't help but get lost in thought.

It's a rather grey damp nasteh day outside. If I were able to go out and about and embrace the sun, I wouldn't be plagued with melancholy thoughts.

But there is no sun, only grey clouds and slight precipitation. Yay.

Weather like this always makes me start drifting off into thought. Been thinking about the hardships I've seen going on around me...so many sad faces...it hurts me.

I'm sure I can force myself into positive thinking if I really put forth the effort...but it hurts to truly concentrate...so I deal with whatever thought floats my way.

The fact that so many close friends of mine are dealing with the impending loss of someone they hold dear...even in their brief moments of silence, I can still feel the ache that they try to keep from everyone.

I hate not being able to find the words to help ease their hearts through their time of sorrow. They open up to me, discuss their feelings, and all I can do is give sympathetic eyes and a warm long hug.

Just doesn't feel like enough, you know?

I guess I'm just overwhelmed by my own empathy towards their suffering...and my own frustration from not being able to help them more.

But why do I strive so hard to help, even when I know that if I was dealing with something similar *which I have*, they wouldn't extend themselves to help me out to the point where I did for them?

I can't even figure out myself sometimes. Sucker for punishment huh.

I guess...I guess I just enjoy knowing that I was there for someone in some way.

I just wish I could be there for everyone who needs me.

I've been reminiscing. Back to the days when I had a domain....when I used to write frequently about stuff that, although I thought was mundane, somehow managed to grab some people's attention.

I remember some of the drama that came with owning my own little spot online...how I found out that some webmasters were pretty cool and others were full of themselves, and had minions that would come out of the woodwork to defend someone they didn't really know...and attack me, someone they knew nothing about.

But from what I have noticed, domains aren't really as 'hip' as they once were. Now you're nothing unless you have a high profile youtube account.

I've browsed youtube on many an occasion...watched both the popular crowd and the unnoticed youtube members...and although there have been times where I considered joining the youtube masses and start a project of my own...when I witness the ignorance/arrogance of many people in the youtube community...how fucking cruel most of the commenters tend to be, it makes me cringe and rethink my decision.

Now, I'm aware that a lot of them are young teens who get off on being anonymous and cursing out/insulting everyone that they possibly can JUST because they can get away with it. Sure, there are good people in the youtube community, who I've seen come to the defense of the decent youtubers out there...but gawd...I don't know how any of the high profile members can handle the abuse...or why they would want to.

I guess they're stronger than I am...I dislike having to deal with unnecessary bullshit and do my best to avoid it...and here they are, putting themselves on the proverbial line, dealing with the nasty/cruel comments, not to mention death threats that they tend to get based solely on the fact that they dared to speak their mind about issues that mean something to them.

People disgust me.

And I've been told by a few people that I should give it a shot...because I have the qualities that would make me somewhat popular on youtube:

1) I'm female, easy enough on the eyes, and I have nice sized fun bags for the audience to admire...which will bring people to my account without too much effort on my part..

2) I have a pretty good sense of humour and I'm witty enough to come back with witty/snarky retorts against any of the assholes online

3) I'm bubbly/interesting enough to captivate the masses.

But still...I wouldn't know what to discuss...the more I browse on youtube, the more I see how everything's almost been done before, so what could I contribute that would be any different from what others contribute?

I guess I'm not as fearless as I once was. Before I'd happily take on anyone and curse them out and tell them exactly what I think of them...but now I can't be bothered, I have better things to do with my time.

And the other factor that prevents me from engaging with the online masses? My kids. They will soon be teenagers, and I'm sure they'll come to the point where they're embarrassed of me...and I don't need to add to it by having their friends tease them about their mom.

As outspoken as I can tend to be...I think that I'll let the rest of the www go and speak their mind and deal with the consequences and just enjoy my life irl.